Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Attached at the Dick


During my recent trip to the beach, one of my acquaintances would not stop talking about her boyfriend. Every conversation somehow found its way back to him. This acquaintance is a lovely girl but she just doesn’t get it. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND DURING MY WHOLE VACATION.

I’m not bitter (famous last words!) but have you nothing else to offer besides the banal ruminations on how you are convinced your BF is cheating or how long you coo-coo to each other on the phone?

I know that love is wonderful and it can change your life in unexpected ways. I should be so lucky. But there is clearly a difference between sharing that you are in a loving, caring relationship and BECOMING A COMPLETE VOID OF A PERSON because you are caught-up in togetherness.

This syndrome is called Attached at the Dick. Girls who suffer from this can often be found not-so-slyly dropping in references to visiting said BF’s parents or what their children might look like. Don’t even get me started on the countless references to pastel bridesmaid dresses. BARF. All of you are sounding like a brainwashed marginally cute film actress.

This hits close to home because my good friend Loo, who I adore and wish all the happiness in the world, has been suffering from Attached at the Dick since November. I barely see her anymore and she often talks of moving with her BF next year. Her head is in the clouds and EVERY conversation is about her BF. I called her out once because she said something that was really condescending towards single people. She acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about, and it’s possible she really didn’t because she is so firmly up her BF’s ass that no amount of Kentucky lard could get her out. I’m afraid there is no hope for her. I hope they don’t break up, because then she would be a shell of a person and I would hate to say “I-Told-You-So” even though it’s the truth.

My call to action is for ladies (and gents) to try and reach a happy medium when showcasing your wonderful relationships. Please be nice to the single gals like myself who haven't got it all figured out just yet.

The battle of Singles vs. Togethers will rage on, beating tirelessly upon the craggy rocks that border the sea of love......

16 Comments:

Blogger Adam said...

Well, it's good to know that women see this happening as much as men do. I hate losing my friends, but when I get them back after a break-up, it's like we have to get to know each other again. Suddenly, they can stay out past ten and not have to check in...they can go out whenever they want to.

My old roommate and I were going to go see Wedding Crashers the other day. He called me as I was driving to the theatre and said that his wife wanted him to stay that night. He didn't sound upset or anything. Fuck me! What kind of a world is this!

3:31 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

I never understood the whole checking in thing. Does that mean your Significant Other is definitely not cheating? Nope, it just means that during his break from sexin up the hot girl at work he called you because he knows he has to.

If I go out I want to enjoy myself and not have to worry about checking in with anyone.

But again, I'm not bitter....

4:20 PM  
Blogger RHB said...

But isn't it usually the dudes who have to do the checking in? That's what blows.

Shit, let her have her fun, let her flirt with dudes, she's coming home to me anyway. What's the harm? Just don't go smoochin' any randos.

7:04 PM  
Blogger kris said...

Not bitter in DC either . . .

You are spot on - people need to get a clue about what being in a relationship means.

A number 1) you don't need to talk about it with friends CONSTANTLY,
B number 2) you. don't. check. in. Because you don't have to.

:)

8:42 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Ugh, so annoying. When you're single you have people who whine and complain about it, when you're together you have people who won't shut up about it!

Get a life that does NOT include what you have or don't have in a relationship!

In the end, it will make any relationship you have stronger.

Are you coming to happy hour tonight VP?

10:01 AM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Talk about hitting the nail on the head... I've had friends (both male and female) practically disappear in the midst of a new relationship. So much for equal time between groups of friends/individuals. Some people just don't get it...

10:11 AM  
Blogger NY-ERR said...

Being in a relationship has, historically, only recently become so completely pathetic in most cases. One of the problems, as I see it, is that we have been indoctrinated into the Romeo and Juliet school of Love, which makes us believe that devout-don't-need-anyone-else-all-consuming-die-for-each-other love is actually a good thing--it is not. R & J is frequently misinterpreted to mean that we should hold their love sacred above all else, when in fact it is very much an argument against the excesses of all emotions. The Montague's and Capulet's hate is excessive and removes reason and temperance from their feud. Romeo and Juliet are in love to excessive blindness (a comment on the nature of most youthful relationships) and also removes reason and temperance and all other values from their relationship. A Midsummer Night's Dream, which I'm currently working on, counters this excess with a path to continuing love based on honestly seeing another person for what they truly are and recognizing what the true relationship is. The lovers, all four pairs, pass through the dream to a truer sense of reality (just one opinion espoused by Harold Bloom [whom, I acknowledge, is a bigotted pig, but is also quite adept at analyzing W.S.]). This concept of crazy, mad, uncontrollable love is then perpetuated in our collective consciousness by cultural icons that we over-romanticize. Sylvia and The Git (as I call him), George and Martha, Shotgun and Nutcase (my analogy), the list goes on and on, and each of us, I'm sure, can identify an overly romaticized coupling that has particularly influenced our individual lives.

VP is so very, very right when she speaks of lovers "BECOMING A COMPLETE VOID OF A PERSON." Many of us think we want this sense of complete surrender into another person, but I challenge that desire.

Personally, I have a career, a vocation for which I am deeply passionate and very much in love, and I want to meet someone who has the same. I don't want a lover whose life becomes ME! I want a person already filled with love of living, of their friends, their work, who then finds that love all the more wonderful because they love me too. That's how I want a relationship to be, but I'm single now because I prefer being alone to having a relationship in which the other person needs me, takes me on as the answer to all their problems and in the process loses love for their friends and work.

Just me.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

I don't mind the checking in thing. It's never mandatory, and it's not necessarily to prove that you're being faithful, but I do think it's nice to call just to let your bf/gf know you're thinkin about them. So long as it's not some 20 minute lovey-dovey converstaion while you're out with your friends trying to have a good time.

I give leeway to friends who just started dating, because during the honeymoon period I think it's OK to stick together more than normally acceptable. It's when friends continue on down that road after the honeymoon period has passed that it starts to bother me.

Luckily for me, most of my friends have a fairly reasonable balance between boyfriend/girlfriend time and friend time.

11:22 AM  
Blogger I-66 said...

Re: Checking in...

I've done it. Never more than once in any given evening and only brief conversations. I don't ask for check-ins necessarily, but when she leaves my place I ask her to call/text me to let me know she got home alright... that's about it.

11:50 AM  
Blogger indecentoffense said...

"attached at the dick" syndrome is the precursor to "don't have anything else to do, so lets get married" syndrome. Honestly, I just caught up with an old friend and was informed that about 4 people we know, our age, are getting married or were married this summer. ri-cock-ulous. Get your own life first, be independent and then settle down.

12:45 PM  
Blogger indecentoffense said...

i'm not bitter either

12:45 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

I agree calling someone to let them know you got home OK is different than checking in throughout the night. I understand if you want to call and let them know you're thinking about them, but can't it wait until you both get home? Or when you are face to face? Must you do it right then on the phone in a noisy bar and right in front of my face while I am trying to enjoy my apple martini????

12:49 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

Haha Indecent, I know you aren't bitter. How could you be with that nice rack of yours ;)

1:01 PM  
Blogger NY-ERR said...

indecentoffense, i'm completely with you... this whole year has been wedding invitations and I'm like, people, I was at that drunken booty-fest club where you met, and I think this is a really dumb idea.

1:23 PM  
Blogger indecentoffense said...

Thanks VP, i'll let ya play with them next time i see ya. haha. ;)

milkman- haha, you're so right about remembering how these people met. and its usually the same unromantic alcohol-induced haze with which they met. Now if only we could bring that up at the reception toast...

1:27 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

Milkman, You bring up a good point about buying into the idea of all-consuming love. Just look at the reality shows where the goal is to instantly fall in love and meld your lives. The problem with all-consuming love is, as you say, it removes reason and temperance.

I always loved a Midsummer Night's Dream. Nick Bottom is such an overlooked Shakespearian character. I think the absurdity of instant love is especially highlighted by his donkey head appearance. For a brief moment he is the "Perfect Ass" for Titania (please excuse the pun). But she doesn't see the real Bottom.

We performed scenes from this in drama class in High School. I played Helena of course ;)

2:49 PM  

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