Thursday, July 14, 2005

Attached by August

My birthday is in August, and I was thinking about throwing a shindig for friends to come and party. Then I decided it would be nice to have a significant other to have by my side during the festivities. This got me thinking about the many campaigns I've run this year - notably "Fucked by February" and "Ass in April". Well, February was not a successful month, and I got a little bit o' ass from Psycho Bethesda Chris (seriously DO NOT date people from MD), but nothing to write home about.

So it's time for another campaign - "Attached by August." "ABA" is different because it aims to actually find a boyfriend and do it quickly a la "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" (but without all the drama and Carly Simon singing). I'm usually too busy to worry about not having a boyfriend, but it would be kinda nice for the summer. Seriously, does anyone think that can happen in DC, this cesspool of narcissism and bad pleated khakis?? If being attached is not an option, then it can be modified to "Ass by August." Just straight up action with no real hopes of a relationship. I am certaintly not a slut, but times are hard my friend. I don't have a slew of ex-es or friends with benefits, so this would probably require being set up by a friend. I am definitely not planning on going to a random bar and picking someone up. Here I present the pros and cons:
Attached By August
Pros: Guaranteed cuddle time, flowers, sweet kisses on the forehead, holding hands at Eastern Market, finally get to put birth control to use
Cons: No freedom to hunt for boys at Tom Tom, possibility of less-hot sex and more love-making (ewww that word is so '70s), gratuitous PDA

Ass in August
Pros: Hot sex on a platter, bona fide stress relief, no PDA, getting to say the word Luvah, finally get to put birth control to use.
Cons: Less cuddle potential, no flowers, no kisses on the forehead :(

Let's hope "Attached by August" campaign is successful! And stay tuned for details on "Orgasm by October" :)


Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Let's hope that if your AbA campaign is successful, you won't need an ObO campaign. It shouldn't take two months.

7:20 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

welllll, you might be surprised to find out that a lot of girls do not orgasm from intercourse. so setting that as a goal for october is not that far-fetched.

it has nothing to do with the guy being bad in bed - sometimes it just doesn't happen. and some guys think there is something wrong with the girl, which is totally untrue.

10:01 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Now, I'm no fancy medical doctor, but in my experience "have not" is more accurate a phrase than "do not." It is wholly possible to turn the "do not" into a "had not."

And all apologies if you're a "do not. " That's gotta suck :-)

11:16 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

yes it is possible to turn a "do not" into a "have not yet". but to me that is putting too much pressure on the whole situation.

i am very forthcoming with people when i admit that i have never had an orgasm during intercourse. i know i am not alone in this plight. it does not mean i enjoy the act any less... you would be surprised at how many girls fake with their boyfriends!

3:33 PM  
Blogger Mr. Snitch said...

Don't you want to get that orgasm thingie in the bag FIRST? Just a thought...

11:08 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

well mr. snitch, I would also like a toilet made of gold, but you can't always get what you want!

9:26 AM  

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