Sunday, August 06, 2006

What does my reflection show?

This is my 200th post. As a milestone post I couldn't help but think about my growing pains and experiences these last 6 months. I'll be 24 in 1 week, and already feeling mighty old ;)

In the last six months I made the leap to a new job, met more blogger friends, got rid of some old friends, joined a gym, lost weight, came to realize that my little bro ain't so little, and basically overall I have tried to be a good person.

The last six months I have focused on my relationship with Malibu Ken and invested effort unseen in any of my previous relationships. There have been nights where I chose to hang out with him because I couldn't imagine not being in his arms and there have been other times when I felt obligated to be by his side. I have considered moving to another city with him. I've considered moving to another city without him. I've endured days and weeks at a time with not seeing him because of his job. I've gotten jealous of him looking at other girls. A lot. He's gotten mad because of other guys looking at me. We've gotten into one major fight - and the look in his eyes that spelled out the hurt made me never want to fight again. I've felt my heart soften in ways I couldn't believe it would. I've become a tad less selfish. I've expressed my displeasure with his family's beliefs and behavior. I've cried myself to sleep at night because of the pressure. I've been depressed for weeks and unable to express this to him. Hell, I'm crying right now just thinking about all of this. I've tried to get him to see that relationships are not always a cakewalk and just because our personalities are laidback does not mean our relationship will always be that way.

So this leads me to question this relationship, and question myself even more concerning how I behave and how I have evolved into myself. I don't want this relationship to define me right now. But what happens as I grow and change while MK grows and changes in a different direction? How will I pick up the pieces if this doesn't last? How wonderful would it be to grow and change together? I'm not sure which circumstance scares me more....


Blogger Sharkbait said...

Be thankful you are able to experience what you have. Some would kill for just part of that. Easier said than done, but I know you are an amazing person and no matter what happens you will pull through.

Everybody goes through a phase like this. I do every once in a while with D. It tears me apart thinking about life with someone else, but somewhere there is a plan for us...Too bad we can't look at it in advance.

be strong and I love you!

8:54 PM  
Blogger Law-Rah said...

WOW...amazing post. Sharkie is right, there is a plan for all of us. If you and MK are meant to grow together (or even grow seperately, but find each other again) it will all work out. In the mean time, enjoy it. Oh, and it's okay to feel the way you do.

1:26 AM  
Blogger The Humanity Critic said...

Hey, just pasing through. CONGRATS on your 200th post!! Don't worry, drinks are on me..

8:56 AM  
Blogger Twoste said...

Right, so, essentially, you're living your life! This is a good thing. Bless you.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Aww good post - can't wait to see you this weekend!

It'll all work out, I believe that even if people change and grow - that everything happens for a reason and things work out the way they're supposed to. I guess you kinda have to believe that, right?

9:07 PM  

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