Pause and......BREATHE.....
So I've got a lot of issues swirling around in my head. I had a pretty nice get-away in VA Beach where the weather was fab. Unfortunately I got myself a ticket for jaywalking (the cop had nothing better to do) and I got sick with bronchitis and laryngitis. But the worst part is that my vacation was fleeting because I've returned to the exact same sadness I've inhabited for the past 2 weeks.
I can't pretend like I'm doing "OK" right now but what else can you say to people? I really want to answer this too common question by saying exactly how I feel: How am I doing? You know when you get your blood pressure taken and the band closes around your arm and you feel every pulse, every piece of DNA pumping through your veins so acutely that it makes you terribly aware that you are alive? I feel like my entire being is wrapped in one of those bands and I am being squeezed into the reality that every part of myself - the pain, the misery, the sadness, the sickness, the anger, the bitterness, the fear, the uncertainty, the hope, the joy, the faith, the crushing sense of defeat - is fully alive. I feel everything. This is who I am. This is my curse: that I've always been the kind of person to feel everything so intensely that it hurts. Maybe it's better to be the kind of person who numbs the pain and insists on never feeling every heart string, every answered and unanswered prayer. I don't know. For now I guess I can just go about my daily solitary routines of work, gym, reading, shopping, etc. All I can really do at the end of the day is survive and be grateful for all that I have right now.
I can't pretend like I'm doing "OK" right now but what else can you say to people? I really want to answer this too common question by saying exactly how I feel: How am I doing? You know when you get your blood pressure taken and the band closes around your arm and you feel every pulse, every piece of DNA pumping through your veins so acutely that it makes you terribly aware that you are alive? I feel like my entire being is wrapped in one of those bands and I am being squeezed into the reality that every part of myself - the pain, the misery, the sadness, the sickness, the anger, the bitterness, the fear, the uncertainty, the hope, the joy, the faith, the crushing sense of defeat - is fully alive. I feel everything. This is who I am. This is my curse: that I've always been the kind of person to feel everything so intensely that it hurts. Maybe it's better to be the kind of person who numbs the pain and insists on never feeling every heart string, every answered and unanswered prayer. I don't know. For now I guess I can just go about my daily solitary routines of work, gym, reading, shopping, etc. All I can really do at the end of the day is survive and be grateful for all that I have right now.
posted by VP of Dior at 7:41 PM
Alright.
If this doesn't make you smile I'm going to have to try something drastic.
i am so sorry that you're going thru this. what are you doing friday? you wanna do something?
I know how you feel darling, and I know it sucks.
*HUGS*
I miss you!
I have to say that although you feel sad you really have a talent for writing. Like reading that was a treat for me because it was so well said.
anon i thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts
Well you're welcome. I quite like your blog actually. I find myself going back and reading some old entries you have. You really should write a book, you make a great blogger too. Some people try and blog and the whle thing falls flat on it's ugly face...but you sure gotta knack for this.