Monday, November 20, 2006

Where Do We Go From Here??

Almásy: When were you most happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
Almásy: When were you least happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
- The English Patient

It started out as a desire to see him one last time. One last exposure to him so I could say goodbye and find the peace and closure that has escaped me for months. One last hit of that mighty drug.

And when Malibu Ken stepped in front of me, it was like old times.

Laughing, joking, finishing each other's sentences.

Say it say it,
over again
everything's better off this way
tonight, i just want you to see
i know i've never felt this way
and when you think everything's lost
you got me
- "You Got Me" - VHS or Beta

We talked about our lives. Work, concerts, current events, friends. But it was glaringly obvious that we were talking about our separate lives. When at one time our lives were entwined.

Then he said, "I am beginning to realize that I need to make decisions. I can't let my parents or anyone influence me. I miss you. I miss you like crazy."

"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." - Good Will Hunting.

Tears stream down my face. This was not what I was expecting.

There is talk about missing each other. Missing the lazy Sundays in bed, missing nights out in DC, missing that warm comfort of being cared for. There is talk about seeing each other again. I can't believe I'm even considering it for a second.

there's a war inside of me
do i cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
do i push it down or let it run me right in to the ground
i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me
- "You Wouldn't Like Me" Tegan and Sara

But nothing was resolved. There were no declarations of undying love. There were no decisions made.

"Will I see you before Christmas?" he asks.

"I do not know. It is up to you. It is time for you to show me what it is you want."

As his arms enveloped me, there was so much left to say. So much fear and grasping and heartstrings pulling. I am emotional roadkill right now. Flattened, hopeless, and left alone.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. - "Grey's Anatomy"



Anonymous Nupe said...

I don't get it. His parents are racist, and you still want to date this guy. As I have said before, you are looking in all the wrong places. When was the last time you dated a brother? Stop chasing these white boys and stick with your kind. What is with you, this guy does not want to be with you or he would not have broke it off to begin with. He is trying for another hit, and that's it. Don't fall for it

11:52 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

Nupe - telling me to "stick to your own kind" makes you no better than his parents. i feel sad for you that you think like that.

and not that it is any of your business what the racial breakdown of my dating conquests are, the last time i dated an african-american guy was last year before meeting the ex.

12:04 PM  
Blogger chicgirl said...

wow - i believe in love no matter how much it eludes me. I hope it finds the two of you.
My fingers are crossed he does the right thing & comes back for you for good:)

12:08 PM  
Anonymous NUPE said...

I was really joking about sticking to your own kind. However, why run after a guy that does not want to be with you? You should move on and get over this. Besides his parents are bigots, like Kramer. Why would you want to put yourself through that. It makes not sense to me.

12:16 PM  
Anonymous Asian Mistress said...

Oh I feel your pain, it's hard no matter what! This post was so heartfelt...I hope that you both find the love and peace you are seeking!

12:17 PM  
Blogger Velvet said...

Um. It doesn't sound to me NUPE like she's running after him at all. It seems that he's doing some growing up and deciding what he wants for himself.

Wow. I'm really happy for you VP. This is really good news. Even if you two don't decide to forge ahead again, you now know why he was so shut down those months ago.

10:44 PM  
Blogger ejtakeslife said...

Wow, that just broke my heart a little. Whatever you decide, I hope it's what's right for you. Good luck!

9:54 AM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

I've been there. It was wrong the second time and also the third until I finally understood it. But take your time to get to a place where you're comfortable with whatever it is you're destined for - together or apart.

Just make sure he's not the one leading...

12:53 PM  
Blogger NubianTemptres43 said...

(wiping tears off my face) that was amazing, almost surreal. girl, we need to have a serious sit down/chat. this deserves a couple of kahlua and coffees. and bump that foolishness that nupe is talkin about - black, white or not, its about how you feel. beautiful post, thanks for sharing.

12:16 AM  
Blogger KassyK said...

I just hope it works out for the best for you. I know what this kind of heartstring heartache and love can feel like and its hard. Really hard. Anything you need sweetie..xoxo

1:11 AM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Ditto to what Kassy said. I hope it works out for you. Being apart from someone you love is absolutely wrenching.

10:40 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

thank you everyone for your sincere words. i know some of you have been through this/are going through this and your insight is much appreciated. i think the "blogger world" has some amazing ladies ;)

3:16 PM  
Blogger Tyler said...

Good luck with this VP. I have been in this situation as well. Her parents weren't too approving of me. I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.

9:16 PM  
Blogger Twoste said...

24-Hour Party People!

2:55 PM  
Blogger Law-Rah said...

You know how well I understand disapproving parents. I also understand there comes a time in your life when you do what is right for you, and not your parents. I hope that his eyes are truly opened to this and I hope that he has the strength to stand by your side. He should understand that being with you does not mean walking away from his means forcing them to see you for who you are.

By the way, soooo sorry I blabbed on and on about my shit earlier today...I had no clue you had seen him. I shoulda asked.

9:55 PM  

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