Monday, September 26, 2005

I'm Registered at SHUT THE HELL UP AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS


This past summer two acquaintances of mine got engaged. In the last week two friends from college became engaged. All of these people are under the age of 24. All of them have clearly lost their minds.

I really am happy for my two friends and their significant others are upstanding gentlemen. Also, I really do enjoy weddings as a party event, and they normally make me cry. I may or may not have bought a couple of issues of Bride's magazine **cough**. However, call me cynical but I think 24 is a tad young to forever be attached to someone until the cold, clammy hand of death do them part. This news prompted my mother to ask me, "So when do you think you'll be engaged?" My reply, "Gee Mom, um as soon as I find a guy who doesn't have prior convictions and will honor my request for a Cartier ring." I really am starting to get annoyed by this question. What's the big rush?

And yet every Sunday I am drawn to the wedding announcement section of the NYT Style section. I guess I do this because I'm a masochist and like to inflict the pain of being pressured to find a mate via looking at gorgeous couples with Rhodes Scholar-ish accolades.

I especially enjoy WASPy announcements. Such as, "The bride graduated from Cornell summa cum laude and received her master's in art history from Cambridge. She was a Fulbright Scholar studying vases and plates of the Ming dynasty. She is now employed by Christie's. Her father is a doctor and her mother is on the Board of United Way. The bridegroom graduated phi betta kappa from Harvard, where he also received his MBA. He now runs his own real estate company. His father is a senior partner at Sacks, Goldman, and Toushe and his mother is a visiting professor at Columbia. The couple met at a charity event for UNICEF. After a honeymoon in [insert South Pacific island], the couple will reside in Greenwich, Conneticut."

Are you kidding me? How about the NYT print a real life story. Like, meeting a normal guy who doesn't have a masters (and this is who I seem to always attract anyway for some reason. I guess something about me screams blue-collar???!?!?). If I ever get married, this is what my announcement will say:

"The bride, who will keep her last name professionally, majored in English and Sociology at the College of William and Mary, where she honed her flip-cup skills and developed a disdain for tri-cornered colonial hats. She now works at a PR firm, deftly crafting press releases on "non-sexy" topics and spinning marketing strategies. The bride's mother is a web development manager for DTIC and her father is a Navy Archives Declassification Supervisor. The bridegroom, majored in electronics at ITT Tech. He works part-time out of his garage and hopes to start his own company from the money the bride has saved. His mother is a sales assistant at Wal-Mart and his father is a janitor for Prince William County Schools. His previous marriage ended in divorce. The couple will honeymoon in Las Vegas and reside in Arlington, VA. The couple met on a fateful metro ride home from Lucky Bar, whilst the bride was experiencing "motion sickness." The bridegroom offered assistance, to which the bride replied, "You had me at Orange Line."

23 Comments:

Blogger Pretty in Pink said...

Doll, don't even start with me! I have a cousin getting married next summer, two weeks after her 21st bday (you know, so she can drink at the wedding). Her 4 year old daughter will be a jr. bridesmaid and her 1 year old son will be the ring bearer. HA! But mock as I will, and did a TON when she was pregnant at 17, he (who will be 25 when they wed) has stuck by her and they just bought a house. He even got a vasectomy. For some reason, that sealed the deal for me. A vasectomy before 25 spells true love. That’s just Vermont folk for ya!

Something about your comment “Like, meeting a normal guy who doesn't have a masters (and this is who I seem to always attract anyway for some reason. I guess something about me screams blue-collar???!?!?),” struck me funny. I don’t know why, but I guess I never equated guys without their masters as blue collar per say, I mean I suppose it’s all about what you do with your life, regardless of your degree. I have to admit I always imagine that I will end up with a guy who is well educated, but if I don’t is that so bad? I mean, my dad didn’t even graduate from high school and he is an amazing man and dedicated to his family and job. He’s honest, caring, an upstanding citizen…in the end what more could I really ask for but to find someone as genuine? I mean I’d love to have the Cartier ring too…I don’t really know where I was going with this, but nonetheless!

Married at 24? No thanks. Give me 5 or 6 years. Oh yeah and a willing man. PS I’m keeping my maiden name too, I’m the best thing this last name’s got going for the future. HA!

Smooches

3:55 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

let me clarify - in no way shape or form am I discrediting or hating on blue collar workers. they are good, hard working professionals. but for some reason I always attract scumbag blue collar workers (which I know not all of them are). I'm being dead serious here. I believe I have been approached by an alarming amount of scumbag line cooks, plumbers, and factory workers.

and no, not having a masters does not equal blue collar. i was just using that as an exageration of the NYT style announcements I described. i always put a dash of sarcasm and a dollop of heart in these posts :) my dad doesn't have a masters but he is hard-working and respectable. but perhaps he spoiled me a little ;)

I'm not a golddigger by any means, but I know what I like. If he can't afford Cartier I hope he at least has the intiative to find out what I like and design a Cartier-esque ring.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Pretty in Pink said...

I've heard WalMart does LOVELY Cartier reproductions... ;)

I've resigned myself to understanding we have to kiss a lot of frogs before we find our prince. I love the Pollyanna world I live in! Ha

I hear you doll, just adding a dollop o' my own! And thanks, now I have Gold Digger stuck in my head!

Smooches

4:33 PM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

OMG I love it.

I know, the only NYT announcements are so WASPY. However, if you look closely you realize that most of them are over 25.

I used to want to be married at 23/24...God help me.

Thankfully, I have come to my senses and am enjoying life minus a husband.

Ask me again in 10 years though...

4:37 PM  
Blogger DCLastCall said...

Walmart has great stock incentives for employees! Not to mention, if that special guy is a stock boy, he must be very strong to push countless carts around the lot.

You are right. Don't get married early. So many younger couples spend a fortune on the ceremony and honeymoon, but then start their marriage in horendous debt. Not really becoming.

DcLc

5:23 PM  
Blogger Complacent Chase said...

PIP, beat me to my comment about the blue-collar worker thing.
That comment kind of came off ass very condescending and dare I say a tad elitist.

I know you tried to clarify your point by saying you get hit on by "scumbag__________". But there are also scumbag doctors, attorneys, businessmen, etc. You get my point.

I know you are a good soul, so I won't think any more of it.But just be careful with the classifying people as something just because they don't hold a certain degree.

There are plenty of good men regardless of "class".
However this is your blog and you can write whatever you want.

Anyhoo...
I'm with you though with people rushing to the altar. Some people either find their "soulmates" early or they think there is something wrong with being single.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Dutchess said...

Best laugh I've had all day actually! thank you. I don't know, I too thought marriage after college was too soon and should wait. Turning down two potential hubbies.. 5+ years later, all I've realized is that they really don't get any better and I'm def. no closer to the alter. I say if they are in love, do it!

(just remember, you do have 1 year to buy them a wedding gift.. these are the ones I wait out on)

6:33 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

chase you bring up a good point that there are scumbags of all professions. but i just think career tracks and goals should be similar. maybe in a past life i was jennifer beale in Flashdance, hence why i attract blue-collar types. i dunno.

dutchess - two potential husbands?? meow!

7:17 PM  
Blogger Sean said...

This post cracked me up! PIP and Chase already made good points so I would like to tell a little story....My father has been working the same job for 30 years, and is well set. His job is the exact same job HOMER SIMPSON has. No kidding. If he screws up, there will be many, many dead people (that's why H.S. is such a great joke and it's fun to tease him about it). He didn't stick around Wake Forest long enough to get a degree. The thing is, he's fucking brilliant. In the real world, a degree will open doors, if you need them. Some people just have it, and do it. That said, the legal age for marriage should be 30. If someone is still a linecook or whatever at that age, they're not ready for marriage anyway, and should not breed.

8:58 PM  
Blogger The Boy said...

Well, I sometimes read the obituaries in the Post on Sunday when I need a good cry. Usually I have to just stop....mmmm masochistic Sunday mornings.

But seriously VP.....I haven't read something this funny in a long long time!

8:21 AM  
Blogger Chica Rosada said...

VP sweetie...this was hilarious.

What is it with moms asking that? Mine keeps nagging me that she is going to be an old grandmother and I just tell her well if I would have married (insert ex boyfriend who she never wanted me to marry but I almost did name here) you would already have a son-in-law and probably a few grandkids. That shuts her up quick.

As for the current men, I have one deserving of the NYT original announcment and the other of the one you created. The latter spent 45 minutes last night talking to me about bricks and rocks....suffice to say neither of them is actually husband material.

My girlfriends and I used to have a song set to the tune of the Backstreet Boys "Shape of My Heart". It was called "My Ring from Walmart". Maybe I'll sing it to you sometime.....after many drinks.

10:15 AM  
Blogger Linz said...

love love love it :o)

10:59 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

chica - i will definitely have to hold that as a promise you will sing a rendition of "Ring From Walmart" for me. we should get together for many, many martinis.

11:07 AM  
Blogger Miss Penny Lane said...

Ah, that's hilarious.

Jesus, I got married at 29 and that was too fucking young!! (Hense, the divorce!) A person really, really needs to know who they are before saying "I do," or they might as well just say "I do, for now..."

11:40 AM  
Blogger Phil said...

YES! Awesome engagement announcement.

However, I'd take it a step further and make the bridegroom a real bum. Dropped out of Junior High or something like that. If it were me, I'd totally agree to it. Just make him the worst sounding person in the world. "A well-known misogynist...", or "his previous 3 wives died mysteriously".

12:06 PM  
Blogger DC Cookie said...

At 18 I figured I'd be married by 26. At 24 I figured I'd be married by 30. At 28...

12:49 PM  
Blogger The Lily said...

have you seen the ones that go into detail about lineage? My favorite had to be the girl that could trace HER ancestry to Henry Clay.

1:31 PM  
Blogger Phil said...

Plenty of time, Cook..

1:38 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

cookie - i agree you have plenty of time.

2:20 PM  
Blogger webcowgirl said...

Hilarious!

12:52 PM  
Blogger mysterygirl! said...

Haha-- this was spot-on. Except the WASP bride description should say that she was " formerly employed at Christie's," because surely she quit her job immediately upon marriage-- because who needs to work anymore? :)

This guy has a whole website dedicated to knocking those couples down a peg, which I often find amusing: nytimesweddings.blogspot.com

3:18 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

mystery girl - thank you for directing me to his blog. it's very funny and his last write up was about that annoying couple from arlington who opened their restaurant on the same day as their wedding. don't people ever take days off anymore???

3:28 PM  
Blogger The Senator said...

You are ugly and will never get married. Might as well make a prozac cocktail every night so you can accept your pathetic life

6:17 PM  

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