Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Breaking Hearts Since 1982

I like to think of myself as a very passionate person and often get my feelings hurt in one-sided relationships. This is a process that has been occurring ever since I fell for Marcus in the 3rd grade and he moved away before I could profess my love. It also happened with JP, Chris, Greg, Tyson, Matt, and Will throughout my 23 years. On the flip side, some people **ahem looking at your R ;)** seem to think that I do my fair share of heartbreaking. I never lead guys on, but sometimes after getting to know someone I decide that he doesn't fit as I like to call it "my love-stylee" at that moment and it's time to move on.

So, I'm sitting at work downing my 5th cup of coffee of the day, when I get a very unexpected email at 3:35 PM:

VP, (name hidden to protect, well, me from further internet stalking)

hope you dont find this creepy, just happened to see your name pop up in a search i was doing and wanted to say hi qnd i guess apoligize for our last encounter. i know its all ancient history, but i atleast wanted to say hi. feel free to write back if you want.

****** (name hidden to protect the creepy)

GRRRRRR. By the way, "I just happened to see your name pop up in a search" is a big stinking load of donkey poo.

This email is from an ex-boyfriend from college who I dated for 7 months and our relationship was hampered by his active duty status in the Marines, as well as his active duty status as a fucked up douchebag. There was a lot of unnecessary drama and he could not control his liquor. (I like people who have fun but don't destroy enough Johnny Walker in a week to rival Motley Crue.) I broke off the relationship because I simply was no longer attracted to him and wanted to date other guys. I knew my heart was not in the relationship because the day after I broke up with him I was making out with a hot boy and felt no regret (I was channeling Madonna hardcore that week). This ex would not accept the truth and tried to tell me I broke up with him because I was "scared" of being in a relationship. Ummm no. Actually, I just don't want to be with you.

I know it's harsh, and I would not want an ex to tell me that, but it's the truth.

So the last encounter that the ex mentioned in his email was a dramatic mess. I went out with a mixed group of guys and girls, including Indecent Offense, to a beloved bar. The ex and his Marine buddies were also there. I ignored him the entire night while he got pissy drunk. At the end of the night our group left and the ex followed us out into the street. I asked him to stop following me and I guess he assumed I was going home with a guy (I in fact was going home alone) and he proceeded to call me a whore. Indecent Offense, without missing a beat, bitch slapped him in front of everyone. He got pissed and tried to fight my guy friends and I, in the ensuing melee, got pushed to the ground trying to stop the fight. It didn’t help matters that I was wearing my new pointy toed shoes I picked up while vacationing in Italy – comfort be damned these were hot shoes! I sprained my ankle and it swelled up like Tucker Carlson’s fat head.

Now, not only was I on crutches, but my guy friends involved with the scuffle thought that I had some crazy ex who followed me and created havoc wherever I went. I do not take too kindly to people fucking with my reputation. I informed the ex that he had fucked with the wrong girl from DC (Prince William County HOLLLAAAA) and I had my retired Army father call the ex’s commanding officer to report what happened. The ex and his cronies were reprimanded, restricted to base, and forbidden from returning to the W&M campus.

I refused to see or speak to him since that encounter in April 2004. Later that year he called and left a creepy message about us being too young to know what we were doing, blah blah blah. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think about him and I cringe. I mean, I did once love him but the thought of how I put up with his antics is unbearable. Now a year later he contacts me. For what reason? I made it very clear that I never wanted to speak to him again.

Why is it that ghosts of the past fly out just in time to fuck with your head while you are on the verge of something good (in my case the return of Malibu Ken)? I enjoy having mature, drama-free relationships. I can’t wait to see MK and get a big hug. T-Minus 4 days…


Blogger sethro said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:56 PM  
Blogger sethro said...

**things get confusing at one's advanced age...**

Ah, I remember fondly my days of active duty status as a fucked up douchebag.

Great story...and the morale of said story should be this. Despite ghosts of the past flying in at the most inopportune times, one does not, under any circumstances, let them fuck with the good thing that's currently happening in one's life.

6:00 PM  
Blogger JordanBaker said...

his active duty status as a fucked up douchebag

That's my favorite sentence (or clause, whatever) of the entire week.

8:21 PM  
Blogger Siryn said...

They come out of the woodwork to show you how much better off you are now. Count them blessings!

11:09 PM  
Blogger I-66 said...

I'm with Jordan.. that's absolutely fantastic.

That said, some people just don't get it even when hit upside the head with it, or in this case slapped across the face. Good riddance.

7:08 AM  
Blogger A Unique Alias said...

Sounds like the chucklehead needs another bitch slappin'.

7:21 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

sethro - well now that you are a retired douchebag, do you get retirement compensation?

jordan- i'm glad i could sprinkle my sarcastic nature over your week.

i really think this ex does need another bitch slap. i'll have to see if indecent offense is available for house calls.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Adam said...

just, wow...

9:51 AM  
Blogger sethro said...

VP, yes, I did recieve a retirement package, but it consists primarily of instant karma. What's the saying? What goes around, comes around and kicks you square in the ass? Something like that. Oh, I also got some stock. But mainly just the karma thing.

7:40 PM  
Blogger indecentoffense said...

yes, yes i am available for housecalls!!

11:26 AM  
Blogger Lady Tiara said...

the guy is clearly a fucked up douchebag, and creepy exes are no fun, but this post totally made me laugh out loud. i'm sure another bitch-slapping will take care of him pronto.

2:59 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home