Sunday, February 19, 2006


Friday I had what I think was an anxiety attack. I've never had one but I had trouble breathing, nausea and onset of crying fits. I think it's because I wanted to tell Malibu Ken that I love him. I didn't think it would be too soon into the relationship. We've been dating for 6 months. But the words wouldn't come.

Tonight I had another anxiety attack. Shallow breathing, complete loss of my bearings and nausea. I felt the words coming up like bile. I finally said it. I told him not to say anything. But of course I wanted him to say the words back. He didn't. He asked, "Are you sure?" I was stunned. Not the response I was expecting. Again, words were coming up like bile. I left feeling embarrassed, shaken, confused. Nauseated and feeling weak. This is exactly why I did not want to be the first to say it. Am I over-reacting? I don't know what to do...


Blogger Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Oh, hon.

Are you sure his reaction wasn't just a response to your anxiety attack?

11:21 PM  
Blogger Law-Rah said...

I think sometimes, people know that they feel it, they are just scared to put it into words. Words are so concrete and solid and they make things so damn real. Just because he can't say it doesn't mean he doesn't feel it.

11:53 PM  
Blogger Terry said...

I suppose the question I have isn't necessarily if you are "in love", so much as if you are ready to express it. Perhaps I subscribe to a foolish psychological tradition, but it appears to me that your body, physically, is expressing something of which you're not conscious. As Law-rah said above, words are concrete, solid, and above all, objective insomuch as you're expressing a subjective feeling to critical examination and analysis. The anxiety could be a result of this, or of latent uncertainity (perhaps about love, or perhaps about Mr. Ken's feelings).

Of course, the fact he didn't return the response isn't particularly reinforcing. If he doesn't feel it, one wouldn't want him to say it. But again, you were having an attack at the time. Perhaps the logic I employed above could be the same logic he used in that situation (meaning that he does feel it, but he wants to wait, or wasn't sure about the situation). But, I'm a guy, and that's my two cents of psycho-babble. Read my blog, its not like I'm particular clear headed sometimes.

Hopefully he'll call soon and apologize and tells you that he loves you as well.

4:16 AM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

RC - I'm sure it wasn't in response to the anxiety

lawrah - well put. thats exactly why i didn't want to say it first.

terry - you raise a very interesting question. i guess the answer is this yes i am ready to say it, but am i ready to BE in love? i'm more scared than anything that after dating for awhile things won't work out and my heart will be broken. maybe it was my brain trying to override my heart and protect me. lord knows that the last time i was in love i got burned.

10:19 AM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Yikes...(about the enxiety attacks)

Maybe he was just surprised because he didn't expect you to say it, not because he doesn't care or love you.

Wait and see what happens next...I am here for you!

10:55 AM  
Blogger NubianTemptres43 said...

anxiety attacks suck - sorry, boo!

his response sucked, too. have y'all talked since then?

11:08 AM  
Blogger Dutchess said...

Always say what you feel, that's the only way to figure things out for yourself. Your honesty can only help him to be able to open up about his feelings in the future as well. You did the right thing, dont second guess it for a minute.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Emily Flowerz said...

Give him a few weeks to say it. Boys are slow. But don't ignore any concerns you have about other issues. Do you each want the same things out of the relationship? has anything happened with his parents? I remember that his parents were a problem...
p.s. did I see you at DC Dance Collective tonight?

9:26 PM  
Blogger The Eternal Freshman said...

It sounds like you did have an anxiety attack. Several years ago, I started getting them-- they were triggered by a boyfriend who didn't quite want to accpe the fact that I broke up with him... Is this the first time you've had one?

9:43 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

AM - thanks a bunch

nubian -

dutchess - thank you very much for the advice.

dj flowerz - very good questions. we talked about his parents and we are on the same page about that. as far as what we both want out if this maybe we aren't on the same page. i guess i'm confused because the last BF i had we both said i love you at the same time. but i know i can't even try to compare that relationship to this one.
p.s. - YES! i was at dance collective! i take my jazz classes there to keep up technique. i used to dance years ago. do you take classes over there?

eternal freshman - yes, this is the first time i've had an anxiety attack. i've been in depression and upset about things before but this was different and wayyyy more intense.

10:29 PM  
Blogger VP of Dior said...

nubian - opps it got erased! i haven't talked to him today. we usually talk later and i feel like just laying low tonight and not talking to him.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Smash said...

IS there an update, pussycat?

See, this is why I NEVER say it first. No matter how strongly I feel.

10:27 AM  
Blogger Marci (aka Baby Banana) said...

Oh girl, the ONLY time I've exchanged those words with a man I debated it for months. While I was debating, he said the words first to me in a well-timed romantic gesture...and I still could not bring myself to say them back. I think I muttered something lame like, "thank you", and kissed him. 2 months later is when I finally was able to say them back to him...

It just sounds like you are taking these words very seriously, which he should should ultimately appreciate...especially if he is taking those words as serious as you.

12:53 PM  
Blogger Matt said...

Two years ago my girl of seven (7) years left me.... I dread having to play these games again. I try NOT to date b/c I don't want to be with someone and then have to dump her.

Dunno. If it's been six months he's probably into you. Most men (hate the word guys) don't fuck around w/ someone that long if they're not halfway serious.

Try to stay cool....

7:58 PM  

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