The Tale of Antsy Amy and Scary Sally

People are strange. My metro ride on the Orange line this morning was an interesting one. Everyone and everything on my train was a bit… off. In fact it was just plain weird. Here are just two examples because it would take me all day to type out all of them.

Weird moment #1 –This girl got on the train with me at Va Square. Let’s call her Antsy Amy. The moment Antsy Amy gets on the train she starts looking around nervously and reacting anytime someone else’s purse, bag, hand, newspaper, iPod, whatever touched her. The train was packed so there was no way to maintain 3 ft of personal space. It’s just how the metro is in the mornings but she apparently thought she deserved her 3 ft. She was also carrying a very large computer tote and a plastic bag. I can only presume that it was a computer inside the tote, but I wouldn’t have been surprised if it actually contained Purell, a gas mask, Lysol disinfectant and duct tape – all items she prepared in case someone touched her on the metro. So then another girl standing next to Antsy Amy accidentally bumped into her. Antsy Amy gets this real worried look on her face and then asks the girl if she wouldn’t mind not bumping into her and if she could move her bag because it kept touching her arm. The girl simply looked at her with disgust. The best part was that a woman who witnessed the encounter and was standing behind Antsy Amy said, “Well why don’t you put down YOUR bag. It is rather large.” Game and match to this insightful woman. Antsy Amy put her bag down but for the remainder of the trip to Metro Center took great pains to avoid anything touching her arms.

Conclusion: Being on a packed train sucks. I get it. People are going to bump into you. And I don’t like being touched by random people but you just have to accept that in close quarters it’s going to happen. Antsy Amy clearly had anxiety issues and it pissed me off that she thought she was special enough to deserve extra space. She also made everyone else around her antsy and annoyed. Next time you ride the metro Antsy Amy, take a Xanex and chill the ‘eff out.

Weird moment #2 – Seated perpendicular to the center aisle of the metro was a woman who I think was not actually a woman but a harsh looking transvestite. Let’s call her Scary Sally. I hate to judge but there were some tell-tale signs that this was a man:

Exhibit A: The most important piece of evidence – large hands. To me this is the most obvious sign of determining gender. Scary Sally’s hands were big and veiny. Scary Sally also had nasty acrylic long fake nails.

Exhibit B: Massive arms – OK maybe this “woman” was a bodybuilder. Her arms were bigger than Chuck Norris’s!

Exhibit C: Natty wig – the wig was a caramel brown with some highlights thrown in. But it was clearly some kind of synthetic hair piece.

Exhibit D: Too much makeup – too much lipstick, too much eyeliner, and a gross misuse of blush that was applied too high on the cheekbones.

So anyway, Scary Sally is seated and as people are coming on to the train at Foggy Bottom a gentleman accidentally stepped on Scary Sally’s foot. Scary Sally’s face said it all. She was very pissed and I thought she was going to stand up and deck the guy. Scary Sally stared at the unassuming offender for the rest of the ride to Metro Center.

Conclusion: Again, being on a packed train sucks. If you are standing, please be considerate and look out for other people’s toes. And if the person is large and in charge like Scary Sally take extra precautions to avoid contact!