Friday Rant

I am again in the pitfires of hell, otherwise known as falling in love with a person who is not ready for it. Why can't this man love me enough to fight for me???

I Don't Ask Much, I Just Want You

I am not sure where my head is right now. Malibu Ken has been calling me lately and we talk like old times. Mind, body, and soul I am still in love with him. Clearly I should not give him a passing thought.

So I had an epiphany today - give up MK for Lent. Now, I know Lent started a few weeks ago, and I'm not a Catholic. But it's never too late right???

So all I have to do is not talk or see MK until Easter...

Well the biggest problem here is that I really shouldn't give him up just for Lent. I should really give him up for good. Not look back when Easter rolls around. Maybe just drown my sorrows in chocolate easter bunnies. Or "spring" forward with a new beginning...stay tuned.

I'm at the point of no return, just watch me burn.....

I don't understand
What destiny's planned
I'm starting to grasp
What is in my own hands
I don't claim to know
Where my holiness goes
I just know that I like
What is starting to show
Clean - Depeche Mode


First, Christmas was good. I'm very lucky to have a caring family who try to make the holidays fun.

Second, I'm stuck at work this week because I have no vacation time. But let's be serious - there is no work being done.

One of the things on my mind right now is dreading New Year's Eve. It is the most anti-climatic reason to celebrate in the history of celebrations.

I guess last year was the most fun NYE I've had. I was in a really good mood at the time because I was falling in love with MK and I went down to Nags Head for MK's best friend's wedding. I have a lot of great memories from down there - being with MK 24/7, meeting his friends and college mentor, dancing with his best friend's Dad, eating tons of seafood, walks on the beach, salt and sand on my face. It was a really great weekend and for the first time ever (yes, ever in my 24 years of existence) I had someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight.

And right now I can't get these memories out of my head. The resounding truth is that this NYE will be much different. I have no one to kiss, no MK to look up at and see the joys of the past year. It's enough to make a girl want to stay home on NYE and eat shrimp lo mein and cry.

But, what I now realize is that I don't need to look at anyone else to see all of the joy, and pain, of the last year. I've experienced these emotions the only way I know how - on my own, and trusting in my capacity to learn. I'm not getting on a pedestal and saying I don't need a man - of course I want a boyfriend who will display all the passion, caring, maturity and honesty I deserve. I think for now I am grateful to be alive and feeling (even though at times I wish I were numb to it all). I hope 2007 will be a grand year filled with love, laughter, and fun (and wine by the bucketloads).

Where Do We Go From Here??

Almásy: When were you most happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
Almásy: When were you least happy?
Katharine Clifton: Now.
- The English Patient


It started out as a desire to see him one last time. One last exposure to him so I could say goodbye and find the peace and closure that has escaped me for months. One last hit of that mighty drug.

And when Malibu Ken stepped in front of me, it was like old times.

Laughing, joking, finishing each other's sentences.


Say it say it,
over again
everything's better off this way
tonight, i just want you to see
i know i've never felt this way
and when you think everything's lost
you got me
- "You Got Me" - VHS or Beta

We talked about our lives. Work, concerts, current events, friends. But it was glaringly obvious that we were talking about our separate lives. When at one time our lives were entwined.

Then he said, "I am beginning to realize that I need to make decisions. I can't let my parents or anyone influence me. I miss you. I miss you like crazy."


"You're not perfect sport, and let me save you the suspense, this girl you've met she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other." - Good Will Hunting.


Tears stream down my face. This was not what I was expecting.

There is talk about missing each other. Missing the lazy Sundays in bed, missing nights out in DC, missing that warm comfort of being cared for. There is talk about seeing each other again. I can't believe I'm even considering it for a second.


there's a war inside of me
do i cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song
do i push it down or let it run me right in to the ground
i feel like i wouldn't like me if i met me
- "You Wouldn't Like Me" Tegan and Sara


But nothing was resolved. There were no declarations of undying love. There were no decisions made.

"Will I see you before Christmas?" he asks.

"I do not know. It is up to you. It is time for you to show me what it is you want."

As his arms enveloped me, there was so much left to say. So much fear and grasping and heartstrings pulling. I am emotional roadkill right now. Flattened, hopeless, and left alone.

At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves. - "Grey's Anatomy"