Thursday, December 28, 2006

I'm at the point of no return, just watch me burn.....

I don't understand
What destiny's planned
I'm starting to grasp
What is in my own hands
I don't claim to know
Where my holiness goes
I just know that I like
What is starting to show
Clean - Depeche Mode

First, Christmas was good. I'm very lucky to have a caring family who try to make the holidays fun.

Second, I'm stuck at work this week because I have no vacation time. But let's be serious - there is no work being done.

One of the things on my mind right now is dreading New Year's Eve. It is the most anti-climatic reason to celebrate in the history of celebrations.

I guess last year was the most fun NYE I've had. I was in a really good mood at the time because I was falling in love with MK and I went down to Nags Head for MK's best friend's wedding. I have a lot of great memories from down there - being with MK 24/7, meeting his friends and college mentor, dancing with his best friend's Dad, eating tons of seafood, walks on the beach, salt and sand on my face. It was a really great weekend and for the first time ever (yes, ever in my 24 years of existence) I had someone to kiss when the clock struck midnight.

And right now I can't get these memories out of my head. The resounding truth is that this NYE will be much different. I have no one to kiss, no MK to look up at and see the joys of the past year. It's enough to make a girl want to stay home on NYE and eat shrimp lo mein and cry.

But, what I now realize is that I don't need to look at anyone else to see all of the joy, and pain, of the last year. I've experienced these emotions the only way I know how - on my own, and trusting in my capacity to learn. I'm not getting on a pedestal and saying I don't need a man - of course I want a boyfriend who will display all the passion, caring, maturity and honesty I deserve. I think for now I am grateful to be alive and feeling (even though at times I wish I were numb to it all). I hope 2007 will be a grand year filled with love, laughter, and fun (and wine by the bucketloads).

Labels: , , ,


Blogger KassyK said...

Amen!! I relate to this post on all levels and I wish you only the best in 2007. 2006 seems to universally be the year of heartbreak for us girls and it can only get better right?

1:11 PM  
Blogger Tyler said...

I know what you mean about having memories about last year at this time. I have some of those as well that are bugging me, so I'll be kissless on NYE with you. :)

5:22 PM  
Blogger Heather B. said...

"Wine by the bucket loads"


First bottle's on me.

12:30 AM  
Blogger Asian Mistress said...

I know it's so hard and weird to remember those good times and memories...and then be like well shit now what...

But I hope that 2007 is good for you my dear! We must hang's been way too long!

3:31 PM  
Blogger chicgirl said...

i wish that for you also!

9:54 PM  
Blogger Washington Cube said...

Between health issues and my father dying, this was the year from hell. 2007 can only be better for me. I look forward to reading your blog in the coming year. Now. I am OUTTA here for the night.

8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a great time the other night. I 'd never received a prostate massage before but it was pretty nice. Thanks again.

10:07 AM  
Blogger Twoste said...

We all need something to feel alive.
All your longing is really just the beginning of you getting back to feeling normal anyway. So, look at it as a glass half full situation.

12:05 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home