Monday, October 31, 2005

Wanta Fanta?

I'm hearing reports of other Fanta Girls out this weekend for Halloween festivities. Let's be honest folks, there was only one true HOT Strawberry Fanta Girl this Halloween:

Wow! Capri likes shopping too!

One of my fave costumes, "Sean McNamara" from Nip/Tuck. He sweetly told me that he "wouldn't do plastic surgery on me because he wouldn't change a thing."


Happy Happy Joy Joy

YAY! Mission Accomplished :)

Friday, October 28, 2005

"She Says It's Cold Out, But Her Popsicle Melts..."

She says it's cold out
But her popsicle melts
She's in the bathroom
She pleasures herself....
- "These Things" by She Wants Revenge (new band from L.A.)

I love the lyrics in this song because the first two lines metaphorically describe me right now and my lack of sex - this must stop NOW. It's cold out, but I'm on fire. I don't usually write about sex, even if I do think about it a lot (as evidenced in my previous post). So let's be candid here for a sec and talk about sex, baby.

Let's set the scene: It's late May and I start hanging out with Malibu Ken and think he's a nice guy, but don't really expect much besides random outings. Then things progress to more than just friends. We keep it 8th grade style by only engaging in heavy petting and making out. And he seemed to be suffering from a cold most of the time so I was relcutant to kiss him, haha. This goes on for 2 months. Cut to my birthday, where I basically demanded (ok drunkingly slurred-demanded) he go down on me, and he of course happily obliged. So then we're at the oral sex stage, which I see as a natural progression for intimacy (isn't it weird that the younger generation views oral sex as akin to giving a kiss?). It certainly fulfilled my quest for Attached/Ass By August. *

Because I knew he would be leaving at the end of August to have surgery, I made the executive decision to not have sex. I thought that having sex before we established our relationship would ruin things and probably cause me to have unrealistic expectations.

So we did not have sex before he left, and now that he is coming back Sunday I want to be ON HIM. It's been 4 months since I've been laid**, but ultimately I'm going to hold out for a little longer on the sex with MK(for above mentioned reasons). But believe me I cannot wait to do it and anticipation makes it a whole lot sweeter.

Physically, I would not say I have sex like a girl. Forget any sweet love-making tactics. Actually the phrase "making love" makes me ill. And the thought of "making love" to slow jams is so 1984. The sex should be raunchy, playful,steamy, and fun. Smack it, flip it, rub it down! Leave the Jodeci at home, put on some Nine Inch Nails and I'm ready to go.

However, emotionally I suppose I have sex like a girl. If I really like the guy, I view sex as a signed deal we both make that our intimacy is valued and this is not just a fleeting situation. Of course the other person does not always agree with this, thus making my attachment to them very "girly." Blame the hormones I say!

So now comes the advice section where I hope my fellow bloggers will help:

1. Is holding out on sex likely to be viewed as playing a game? (Ultimately I know it's my final decision anyway, but just like to know what people are thinking.)

2. Where can I get the best bikini/brazilian wax in Arlington or D.C.??? I've never had it done and I'm a little scared of the pain factor!

*Ass by August was based on gtting any kind of intimate sexual behavior. "Getting ass" can include many things, but does not necessarily mean sex. And upon revisiting this post I remembered setting up the "Orgasm by October" campaign. Unless I get seriously laid by Monday then I don't think this will happen.

**I use the term "getting laid" when referencing intercourse.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


BTW, Tag-Alongs are great cookies.

2x2 Questions*

2 names you go by
1. Highest Princess Fiona
2. P-Funk

2 parts of your heritage
1. African-American
2.Bad-Ass Mofo

2 things that scare you
1. Blonde Children of the Corn types
2. Track marks

2 of your everyday essentials
1. Captain
2. Coke

2 things you are wearing right now
1. Nipple clamps
2. Scooby Doo slippers

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment)
1. Franz Ferdinand
2. Damian Marley

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment)
1. Tell Me - Bobby Valentino
2. Ricky Martin's awful attempt at a comeback

2 things you want in a relationship (other than real love)
1. Alimony
2. Hot sex on a platter

2 truths
1. I had no idea what a blumpkin is until Chase made me google it
2. I despise bugs

2 physical things that appeal to you (for your partner)
1. Piercing elbows
2. "I want a man with a slow hand..."

2 of your favorite hobbies
1. Buggery
2. Being snarky

2 things you want really badly
1. Caramel Macchiato
2. A pool boy

2 places you want to go on vacation
1. Easter Island
2. "I've been to paradise but I've never been to me...."

2 things you want to do before you die
1. See pyramids in Egypt
2. Get on the Playaz jet

2 ways that you are stereotypically a guy/girl
1. I love pink
2. I have ovaries

2 things you are thinking about now
1. mmmm donuts
2. I wonder if Mariah Carey's "Shake It Off" will be featured in upcoming dandruff commercials

2 stores you shop at
1. D.O.T.S.
2. Hustler

2 people I would like to see take this quiz
1. Edge of Indecency
2. DC Cookie

*I tried to answer this quiz with my real answers, but I couldn't keep a straight face. Anyway, some answers are fake because it's much more fun to make up stuff and use the term nipple clamps.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Breaking Hearts Since 1982

I like to think of myself as a very passionate person and often get my feelings hurt in one-sided relationships. This is a process that has been occurring ever since I fell for Marcus in the 3rd grade and he moved away before I could profess my love. It also happened with JP, Chris, Greg, Tyson, Matt, and Will throughout my 23 years. On the flip side, some people **ahem looking at your R ;)** seem to think that I do my fair share of heartbreaking. I never lead guys on, but sometimes after getting to know someone I decide that he doesn't fit as I like to call it "my love-stylee" at that moment and it's time to move on.

So, I'm sitting at work downing my 5th cup of coffee of the day, when I get a very unexpected email at 3:35 PM:

VP, (name hidden to protect, well, me from further internet stalking)

hope you dont find this creepy, just happened to see your name pop up in a search i was doing and wanted to say hi qnd i guess apoligize for our last encounter. i know its all ancient history, but i atleast wanted to say hi. feel free to write back if you want.

****** (name hidden to protect the creepy)

GRRRRRR. By the way, "I just happened to see your name pop up in a search" is a big stinking load of donkey poo.

This email is from an ex-boyfriend from college who I dated for 7 months and our relationship was hampered by his active duty status in the Marines, as well as his active duty status as a fucked up douchebag. There was a lot of unnecessary drama and he could not control his liquor. (I like people who have fun but don't destroy enough Johnny Walker in a week to rival Motley Crue.) I broke off the relationship because I simply was no longer attracted to him and wanted to date other guys. I knew my heart was not in the relationship because the day after I broke up with him I was making out with a hot boy and felt no regret (I was channeling Madonna hardcore that week). This ex would not accept the truth and tried to tell me I broke up with him because I was "scared" of being in a relationship. Ummm no. Actually, I just don't want to be with you.

I know it's harsh, and I would not want an ex to tell me that, but it's the truth.

So the last encounter that the ex mentioned in his email was a dramatic mess. I went out with a mixed group of guys and girls, including Indecent Offense, to a beloved bar. The ex and his Marine buddies were also there. I ignored him the entire night while he got pissy drunk. At the end of the night our group left and the ex followed us out into the street. I asked him to stop following me and I guess he assumed I was going home with a guy (I in fact was going home alone) and he proceeded to call me a whore. Indecent Offense, without missing a beat, bitch slapped him in front of everyone. He got pissed and tried to fight my guy friends and I, in the ensuing melee, got pushed to the ground trying to stop the fight. It didn’t help matters that I was wearing my new pointy toed shoes I picked up while vacationing in Italy – comfort be damned these were hot shoes! I sprained my ankle and it swelled up like Tucker Carlson’s fat head.

Now, not only was I on crutches, but my guy friends involved with the scuffle thought that I had some crazy ex who followed me and created havoc wherever I went. I do not take too kindly to people fucking with my reputation. I informed the ex that he had fucked with the wrong girl from DC (Prince William County HOLLLAAAA) and I had my retired Army father call the ex’s commanding officer to report what happened. The ex and his cronies were reprimanded, restricted to base, and forbidden from returning to the W&M campus.

I refused to see or speak to him since that encounter in April 2004. Later that year he called and left a creepy message about us being too young to know what we were doing, blah blah blah. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I think about him and I cringe. I mean, I did once love him but the thought of how I put up with his antics is unbearable. Now a year later he contacts me. For what reason? I made it very clear that I never wanted to speak to him again.

Why is it that ghosts of the past fly out just in time to fuck with your head while you are on the verge of something good (in my case the return of Malibu Ken)? I enjoy having mature, drama-free relationships. I can’t wait to see MK and get a big hug. T-Minus 4 days…

Monday, October 24, 2005

It Tastes Like Fall

Allo, back from Hartford, Patheticut and sporting a new high-lighted do. The only good thing about Hartford was that at the Starbucks, Maple Macchiatos were being offered as a seasonal drink. I don't know if it's being offered here yet, but Maple Macchiatos are more yummy than Pumpkin Spice Lattes and taste like fall.

Last night I went to the Death Cab for Cutie show and thus ended my month long tour de force of concert attendance. I've been to a concert every week for the past 5 weeks. DCFC were EXCELLENT and I was pleasantly surprised by the sound quality. Standout songs for me were "For What Reason", "Brothers on a Hotel Bed", and "I Will Follow You Into the Dark." Oh yeah, and that song from the Six Feet Under Soundtrack that had me about to bust a tear duct. I was also surprised to look up into the balcony and see A Unique Alias, the resident DC blogger hottie. I didn't want to be that girl and yell across the 9:30 club floor, but I guess he now knows I was there.

And in true VP fashion I attracted the most drunk boy there, who slurred and mangled his way into my heart. Actually, he was quite cute and tall, and was there with his equally cute brother. But he clearly had one too many shots of something and would not stop talking throughout the entire concert. And periodically he would put his arm around me while singing the lyrics to his heart's content. And he kept staring at me which was odd. Finally I asked him if he needed something, like oh, his stomach to be pumped. He informed me that it was a pleasure standing next to me at the concert and if I'm ever in Annapolis (where he lives I guess) that we should meet up. Because I am the Queen of Awkward When It Comes to Boys and can't tell when a guy is hitting on me, I just smiled and said sure, and forgot to offer my number. But he didn't ask, so oh well.

It's probably for the better that I didn't give him my number because Malibu Ken is coming back on Sunday!!! It'll be nice to have hugs and kisses after two months of zero-loving. His crippled ass will be moving back to Annandale (uggg too far away really) and I'm sure there will be a period of euphoria upon seeing him again. Then the happiness will end when I realize that his parents are still uber-bigots and I have no idea where the relationship is going. Again, because I am the Queen of Awkward When It Comes to Boys, I will get the itch to have a DTR and ruining the situation. Gotta take it one day at a time right?

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Honey, You Betta Work!

Haven't been able to post in awhile. First, has been a little shitwipe all day long. Work has been hella busy and I'm leaving tomorrow to go on a business trip. VP is none to happy about this because a) I'm missing my homecoming weekend - and for once I'm itching to get down to Williamsburg b) I have to go to Hartford, Patheticut c) I'm missing Blogger Happy Hour at Dragonfly, which I happen to enjoy. One can always tell that VP is unhappy when she starts referring to herself in third person.

This weekend I went to a Wig and Moustache party. The concept is pretty hilarious. Everyone comes wearing a wig or a fake moustache. The hosts, who were Georgetown Med students, posted pictures of notable persons with bad moustaches/hair on the walls. The Playaz would have been proud.

Actually, I was surprised at how many real, badly grown moustaches I saw. And no I did not sport a moustache - I had a fly blue wig. The funny thing was that I tried on a blonde wig and my friend went apeshit because she thought the color and cut looked good on me. WTF? I seriously looked like Lil Kim with that wig on. Not a look I'm going for at the moment.

I also got a chance to hang out with my high school/college buddy R and get SAUCED at Cobalt. Not only is R 6'3'', attractive, and likeable, but he attracts sugar daddies to him like it's his job. After 3 sour apple martinis, an older gentlemen bought us a round of drinks, and I was a goner. The one funny thing that happened was when I walked by a guy and my boobs accidently brushed up against his arm (hey what can I say my boobs tend to do that) and he actually recoiled. In horror. But I do so love mooching off of R's free-drink receiving.

Have a good week everyone.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Do You Wanna Be A Polyester Bride?

Last night I got to check out Liz Phair at the 930 club (**quick- someone please give me a recap of Lost!!**). Stellar show and boy does she rock. She rocks hard. She commands the stage and isn't afraid to say what's on her mind - and I love that. I love that her lyrics embody so many thoughts that have run through my own head when it comes to men and relationships. "Fuck and Run", "Mesmerizing", "Flower" and "Blowjob Queen" were my standout picks from the night.

So this got me thinking about my not so secret wish to be a rock star, and how females in rock have given me much inspiration over the years. First, in the 80s it started with Jem. No not the pop-star Jem, but Jem and the Holograms. Synergy!! Glitter and Gold!! Great outfits, hot boys (Rio) and big hair. Perfect. To this day I can't remember what they did for a living, expect it was a female band that toured the world and played rocking shows. But of course I much preferred the Misfits - led by Pizzazz. These ladies were stylish and always about getting what they want. I collected all the dolls that came complete with polyester outfits and guitars. Then I wanted to be in a real band and wear funky outfits and play the keytar in Prince's New Power Generation ( Can anyone say "Get Off"??). Then came the 90s and there were so many amazing female rockers who held there own in a male dominated industry. Courtney Love, PJ Harvey, Gwen Stefani, Liz Phair, The Breeders, L7, D'Arcy from Smashing Pumpkins, Sleater Kinney, etc. etc. (not to mention the ladies of hip-hop like Mary J. Blige, Missy, Salt N' Pepa, MC Lyte, Queen Latifah). I also went through a Madonna phase where I tried to copy every look she ever had (my parents were not thrilled about this). However, I really really really wanted to be Shirley Manson. Something about her voice, her lyrics, and the way she carried herself screams B-A-D-A-S-S. I remember seeing the video for "Only Happy When It Rains" and immediately thinking: "I have got to get myself a mic, mini-shift dress, black knee high Fuck-Me-Boots, kohl eyeliner, and eye glitter. Lots of eye glitter. " (Pretty saucy for a 13 year old!)

So it was a dream come true when I got to see Garbage at the 930 club this past spring. It was ten years in the making. It's amazing how one song ("Vow") can take you back to when you were 13 and pissed off and wanting to make out with cute boys and rule the world....hmm I guess not much has changed :) Thank you Shirley, and thanks to all the women who rock.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


We're one, but we're not the same
We've got to carry each other, carry each other.

U2 is still ringing in my ears! I went to NYC to see U2 and it was an amazing show. Hands down the best rock and roll band of our generation. Bono is enigmatic and the band's sound is tighter than a ziplock bag. Their set was amazing and I was only disappointed when they didn't play "Mysterious Ways." That's one of those songs you just feel like shaking your ass to, ya know? But if they played every song a fan wanted to hear they would have been there all night. My favorite song of that night was definitely "I Will Follow." Interestingly enough there was a pregnant woman sitting next to me trying to control her uberdrunk husband who eventually fell down the aisle trying to chair mosh. His buddies were behind him laughing and smoking a joint. Who smokes a joint around a pregnant lady?? And these weren't really young kids or anything - they were at least 35 yrs old.

Also, Mary J. Blige was a special guest and sang "One" with the band. She blew the roof off of that mutha! Another star sighting was Mischa Barton. I was walking along the concession area when I noticed a very tall, very pretty girl with a great outfit on walking with a rather scraggly fella. I looked closer and it was Mischa Barton. No entourage or star antics - just Mischa enjoying a U2 concert. In real life she is very tall and skinny, and basically flawless.

After the show we went to an Irish pub (called something I can't pronounce). Oddly enough, EVERYONE in there had Irish accents. I guess this threw me off guard because in DC I never encounter real Irish folks at the 4 P's or Dublins. Actually, now that I think about it half of those people were probably faking their accents, but they were doing a damn good job. Or maybe it was the numerous rounds of Stella and Hoegaarden getting to me. Also, it's always weird for a black person to go into an Irish bar. Irish bars are just Like everyone's all about Celtic pride and Anglo-Saxon shit. I couldn't be further from that!

It was fun being in NYC and I stayed with friends in Brooklyn. Brooklyn was exactly how I imagined it - lots of Italians mixed in with great bagel shops and brownstones. However, it rained the whole time and I spent the weekend with napped up hair and soiled jeans. Yes soiled, because one cannot escape the NYC street sludge that accumulates on your shoes and pants leg (I effectively ruined my tan,orange, and blue pumas :( ). The city lost some of its allure this weekend. I've always wanted to live there and be in the city trenches day in and day out. And working in PR makes me want to jump into the NYC PR trenches even more. But when I got back into DC and saw the Capitol building against the skyline, I realized that I HEART DC and take full pride in saying I am from here.

Anyway, if anyone can see U2 when they do 2 shows here next week, I highly recommend it. The show is well worth the money and who knows when they will go on tour again???

Thursday, October 06, 2005


The title of this post is what my standard text message will read like all weekend :) !!!!!!!!

I'm taking the Chinatown bus to NYC for the weekend. I'm staying with good friends, probably going to eat too much delish food and seeing the best damn band on the planet at Madison Square Garden. And Malibu Ken has awarded me one (1) freebie drunk dial. I think I'm going to save it for Saturday night. It's going to be a sweet ass scrumptious weekend.


Get Up, Stand Up

Bob Marley Rises From Grave to Free Frat Boys From Bonds of Oppression
The Onion
Wednesday October 5

Excerpt from this inspiring article on Bob Marley and frat boys that features a shouout to the 'ol alma mater:

"Marley's recordings, which originally raised awareness of the Rastafarian faith and the plight of underprivileged Jamaicans and Africans, have taken on an even deeper meaning as the Greek fraternal system, a maligned, misunderstood minority group itself, has fervently embraced the driving, soulful music.

Minutes after his resurrection, the dreadlocked spirit materialized in the backyard of Epsilon Iota, the Sigma Nu chapter of the College of William and Mary in Virginia. Radiating a transcendent aura, Marley addressed the college's recent campus-wide ban on bonfires.

"I appeared to I fraternity brothers to tell them be strong," said Marley, standing in front of hundreds of hooting fraternity members. "I say don't let dean of students, Henry Riegert, fool ya, or even try to school ya. We'll get that bonfire going in time for da mixer, mon. A fire a man's own business."

Man, the best shit always happens after you leave school. Somewhere an Abercrombie - clad Pika gently weeps.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Stumble McStumbles

Do you ever drink with the intention "to forget"?

This past weekend I drank my weight in wine. Hell, I also drank my weight in Sam Adams Oktoberfest. I usually only drink socially, with the intention of having a good time. But lately I realized I've been drinking "to forget". I'm not saying I have a problem, it just seemed like this past weekend whenever I got sad I would say, "Fuck it! Who wants some wine??" Then I become THAT girl catching a heel on a damned sidewalk crack. "Stumble McStumbles the name - and libation is my game."

Work is one thing getting me down. We have 2 new clients and there's just too much shit to do. I know everyone thinks they don't get paid enough, I REALLY don't get paid enough because I'm doing the work of two people. We need an intern NOW. Plus, the intern could get my caramel macchiatos.

And I hit a really rough patch this weekend with a bad case of separation anxiety from Malibu Ken. Actually no, it's not just that - it's utter fear. Malibu Ken should be back in about 4 weeks, and I think I need to tell him we should just be friends. It's not that I don't like him, it's the fact that I'm not so sure we will ever have a real, committed relationship. I don't think he's ready to stand up to his parents, and I don't think I'm willing to wait around for him. It makes me sad to think that even though we make a great team, social "restraints" prevent us from being together. On the other hand - I admit that even though I want a relationship, right now I am not emotionally ready to deal with this kind of potential heartbreak. So not only am I stumbling from pinot noir right now, I'm stumbling and fumbling due to this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that says I need to let this go. I guess I could just be a grown-up and tell him all of this. But that would be asking too much right now.......