Monday, November 28, 2005

Vote For My Boobs

I'm sure Kathryn will have superlatives and awards decided by Wednesday at blogger happy hour. But I would like to take this opportunity to campaign for the best bodacious beltway blogger boobs.

Let's be honest here folks - my boobs are pretty big. But not only big, nicely shaped. Natural. With the right bra they are down right mesmerizing. Even The Boy once said my boobs were nice (but in a completey platonic way because that fab lady does not swing my way).

So I would just like to offer some examples of great moments in VP boob history. Vote for VP!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Hail Cesar

My body is a bit of a wreck right now. I drank with a friend from high school on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. She knows the bartender at Peppers, and he in turn knows the bartenders at Fox and Hounds, which in turn makes for free drinks and a very drunk VP. I passed out that night and then bam, it's 2PM on Thanksgiving Day. I was supposed to be at Mom's house at 11AM. Oops.

Friday night was the real damage. A bunch of Hoodbridge folks were in town for the weekend and I went out in Arlington. First to Mr. Days (which sucked as usual), then to Clarendon Grill (which sucked as usual), then to Whitlows. I think at each place we went I had at least 3 drinks. That's 9 drinks in a span of 2 hrs. Needless to say when Cara suggested we go to Adams Morgan at 1AM I was in no condition to say no, or yes, or even form clauses. We hop in a cab and before we know it we're at Heaven and Hell taking more shots of SoCo and lime. WHAT WAS I THINKING?

So on the cab ride home Cara spills the contents of her purse on the cab floor. I reach over to grab what I can, and I think that's when my cell phone falls out. But I'm too drunk to realize this. We get home and I promptly pay homage to the porcelain god. No I don't pay homage, I freaking erect a shrine and firepit where I offer up my liver as a sacrifice to the toilet gods. I eventually pass out on the bathroom floor.

Cut to 8AM next morning. I realize I'm not in my bed and I'm still wearing my going out clothes. I change and drag myself into bed.

Cut to 11AM. Sip some Ginger Ale. Stomach is rejecting itself. Back to the bathroom.

Cut to 12PM. Cara has stayed in the guest room and has finally awoken. We are both useless and lounge around watching Who's Wedding Is It Anyway?

Cut to 1PM. Cara decides to bake a frozen pizza. Trader Joe's Olympus Pizza w/ Feta, Kalamata Olives, and Tomatos. Sounded like a good idea right? Not so much. After eating I throw up again.

Cut to 3PM. Still a hot mess. I wonder why Malibu Ken hasn't called. We made plans and he said he would call around 2PM. I reach in my purse for phone. Hot damn. Nothing. Reach in coat pocket. Nada. Look under bed. Nil. Call my cell from Cara's phone. No "Since You've Been Gone" ringtone is heard. OH SHIT I LOST MY CELL. I start cursing. But something tells me to check my voicemail. Malibu Ken has left a message saying that someone named Cesar has my phone and called him. What a weird coincidence that this Cesar fellow called Malibu Ken right when I was thinking about calling him.

So I was relieved that someone found my phone and was willing to meet in DC on Saturday to give it to me. Malibu Ken insists on going with me (chivalry is not dead! praise be!) and we head over to 14th and P to retrieve my phone. While waiting for Cesar we go into P St Bistro across from the blindingly bright monstrosity that is Whole Foods. I almost went into a seizure just walking by that store. So Cesar finally comes and refuses the $20 we offer him as a thanks. Cesar, I would just like to say thank you and it makes me happy that there are still decent people out there.

The rest of Saturday was a lot better, as my stomach finally settled and Malibu Ken and I went to see Walk The Line. What a stellar movie. Joaquin Phoenix is so believable and Reese Witherspoon is impressive.

And all of today has been splendid. Woke up next to Malibu Ken, which is such a pleasant feeling. We ordered pizza and watched the Skins botch another game. Now I'm sitting here in his sweatshirt and it smells so good. So good.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

What Part of Thanksgiving Are You?

You Are The Cranberry Sauce

A little sweet, a little sour - you've got the flava!

Though, you do tend to squish in people's mouths...

I may squish in people's mouths, but I also melt in your mouth not in your hand ;)


Tuesday, November 22, 2005

KC Doesn't Suck But the Redskins Do

Back from Kansas City with a brand new sweater coat from Urban Outfitters and a liking for Gates BBQ. The midwest isn't so bad (for Adam and the Dutchess). I found KC downtown to be quite quaint and I did notice all the fountains and statues. I stayed at the Sheraton Suites in Country Club Plaza which was perfect because I was 2 blocks away from Urban, A/X Exchange, Express, J Crew, Barnes & Noble,etc.

My fave place I visited was Brio restaurant. It was my fave because I got shatfaced for free. Here's the rundown: I go to Brio by myself to sit at the bar and order dinner. I find an empty seat and order and then this blonde chick comes and sits beside me. I knew something was up because she was well dressed and started chatting with me pretty quickly. She informs me that she is running a somewhat undercover promotion/research for Bailey's liquor. She asks me if I want to participate by asking the bartender questions and ordering drinks. 2 chocolate martinis w/ Bailey's, 2 glasses of wine, and a B52 later I'm bombed. And it was all on her tab. I don't quite remember saying goodbye or stumbling back to my hotel, but I woke up fully clothed the next morning. Thanks go out to the fine folks of Brio and Kansas City.

When I returned to DC on Sunday it was time for the big game: my first Redskins game at FedEx Field! I took Papa Dior for his birthday and our seats were in the endzone right in front of the Redskins band. The view was suh-weet and the crowd was amped....until the Skins reminded us why they suck. It's just so frustrating to see a team with so much potential basically throw the game away with fumbles and penalties. I swear every freaking play had a flag called. All in all it was a great experience and I am so happy to be back home.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

"Umm yeah..If you could come in on Saturday..."

VP is not pleased about going to Kansas City today until Saturday evening for the following reasons:

1. I have to work on Saturday
2. I don't really like BBQ ribs which is apparently all anyone eats there
3. I am supposed to help Malibu Ken move to the new apt. Fri and Sat with my reward being a massage
4. It's colder in Missouri
5. I have to miss my pseudo bro I-66's b-day shindig. Kick back a few for me old timer!
6. I also will miss the Capitol Hill Bar crawl

My redemption for going on this trip is the fact I'm going to my first Skins game on Sunday with my dad!!! My dad doesn't drink so my goal is to convince him to have one Bud Light during the tailgating. He somehow has the impression that I'm a idea where that came from, hehe. Hopefully he won't mind if I have one beer..Papa don't preach!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Meatnormous Meathead

With all the crazy egomaniac celebrities out there it's hard to choose one to single out as being supremely deplorable and, frankly there are more important things in this world to worry about. However I must say that after reading about the trainwreck that is Chris Klein and his interview with Elle magazine I elect Klein as the Most Meatnormous Meathead out there.

You probably don't know who Chris Klein is. Don't worry you aren't alone. He is best known as part of the ensemble cast of American Pie and the ex- boyfriend of Katie Holmes. His and Katie's relationship ended mere months before she hooked herself up to an e-meter and got knocked up by Tom Cruise.

After the break-up Klein said he was fine, but shortly after was arrested for a DUI. He's had small movie roles and still occupies that clean cut jock look that was so very 1999.

But now Klein is spitting out some great verbal diarrhea and talking about topics such as: 1)How great he is 2)How he only dates hot girls 3)How girls have to be skinny in order to be with him.

An excerpt from MSN gossip:

"I don't need food to impress, man," boasts the cocky "American Pie" C-lister. "It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."

Chris, 26, a self-described "alpha heterosexual" who only dates "8 to 10's," also reveals how displeased he is if a woman he's seeing gains a few pounds.

"I'm not tolerant of that at all," declares the actor, who says he has no problem telling his swollen squeeze to shape up.

"When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body," he pontificates. "You have to say no."

AWW HELLS TO THE NO. Did he think he was hot stuff during this photo shoot? (via :

"Dude I did not know Jager-Bombs were so good! Stifler would be so proud. Oh yeah and fuck that short troll Cruise. He's bi-questionable anyway."

Nice DUI mug. I would give this photo a -1.5. Wouldn't get him too far with those "8-10"s he allegedly dates.

And as a "heartthrob" to teenage girls, he should not be spewing dumb comments on how he feels obligated to tell women their bodies aren't good enough, especially during their most bloated uncomfortable time of the month. These are exactly the kind of comments that make teenage girls feel inadequate and as though they have to live up to some men's ridiculous standards.

Do us all a favor Mr. Klein - put down the Katie Holmes voodoo doll, relinquish the undeserved title of "alpha heterosexual", and go jump off a cliff.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Upgrade/Downgrade: Road Trip Edition

*Buying an iTrip for only $29.99 to keep the good times rolling on my road trip - UPGRADE

*Going to Best Buy in Potomac Yard and being unable to find the Kanye CD - DOWNGRADE

*Getting my grubby little hands on an advance copy of Madonna's new CD - UPGRADE

* Going to Williamsburg to see friendly faces - UPGRADE

*Being stupid and reverting to college drinking days, complete with a wine circle and shots of tequila - DOWNGRADE. My liver has officially filed divorce papers to separate from me. It's citing the cause of dissolution as my affair with liquor.

*Sex. Good sweet loving after my long drought - UPGRADE

*Redskins losing in the final minutes - DOWNGRADE

*Scoring tickets to see the Redskins v. Raiders this Sunday the 20th - UPGRADE. I'm taking Dad for his birthday so that's actually a DELUXE UPGRADE :)

Thursday, November 10, 2005

My Fife is Bigger Than Yours

Kiddies, I am off to the land of fife and drum parades at 7 am on Saturdays. That magical land where nary a student can tear themselves away from the library despite offers of free booze. Where humping Thomas Jefferson is a daily occurence. Yes, I am heading to my alma mater Bill and his Bitch until Saturday to see the poor souls still stuck there (as well as my lovely sorority sisters) and hopefully show them that working a 9AM-5PM job doesn't mean I can't still rock it 9PM-5AM.

Then on Saturday I might do stupid couple things with Malibu Ken. Maybe go to Old Town, catch a movie, go to Home Depot ...Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don't know, I don't know if we'll have enough time.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005


A fake internet kiss will go to the person who identifies the owner of the song that is my post title.

In the meantime, does anyone know how to get denim stains and water spots out of suede???

Monday, November 07, 2005

Enjoying The Fruits of My Labor

OK, it's more like I'm enjoying the fruits of the Redskins' labor right now by eating Papa John's pizza with free toppings. Perfect for a tired Monday night. For those not familiar with the Papa John's DC Metro promo, for every TD scored by the Skins you get a free topping. If the Skins win, then double toppings. Last night the Skins miraculously beat the Eagles and charted two TDs. That equals a happy VP and 4 free toppings!

All the naysayers will obviously say that the Skins only won because Terrell Owens wasn't playing (and McNabb wasn't 100%). Owens's suspension from the game was his own damn fault, and now he's been suspended for the rest of the season. What the F is wrong with these athletes who get paid millions per year and feel as though they aren't paid enough??? I know that franchises make millions off of licensing, merchandise, TV deals, and ultimately the performances of the players, but Owens signed a deal for $48.97 million for seven years. That's $7 million a year!@#@#*! And he gets 3 months vacation time! Teachers work the same schedule and don't get paid that much. If someone was going to pay my ass $7 million to travel the country and play on a field once a week (with the risk of injury) I would strap on some UnderArmour so quick the Eagles wouldn't know what him 'em. I don't understand why a player of his caliber is throwing his career away. I guess his ego is bigger than his jockstrap. To Owens I will say: "You're good, but you're no Moses. Part some seas, then maybe I'll think you're worthy of more than $49 million. Until then keep on acting like a dumbass and allowing the Skins to win so I can get more free toppings from Papa John's."

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

This Week Needs to End

Boooooooo ...shit has hit the fan this week. I know other people are having difficult days as well. So far this week I find myself busy to the point of tears. (BTW, Malibu Ken has been very considerate and understanding, and everyday I appreciate him more and more). Work has quadrupled due to the acquisition of 2 new accounts and it seems there is a new priority assignment every hour. I have never compiled so many Word and Excel documents in my life. To my bosses I would like to say: "Alright, I get it. Every client is a priority, but when you keep heaping assignments on me someone's priority has to give. Now I must retire to my office to curse and guzzle Caramel Macchiatos. That is all."

And then I got word that my great-grandmother died. I have to fly down to Florida on Friday, and obviously funerals are not the most desired forum to visit family members. But it will be good to see my grandpa and extended family who I haven't visited in 2 years.

This week reminds me of finals time during my days at W&M. You've never seen so many nerds of all race, creed, and religions band together to suffer through no sleep, minimal food, and cracked-out dispositions. I hope everyone else has a pleasant week. I shall return in a few days, same Blog Channel, same Blog Time.